Super(lative) Democracy

Ever since our devotion to America’s “most radioactive” President (see above) stranded the Ginsberg Historical Society with almost a CASE of rye whiskey left over after we threw a Tuesday Night Party in Georgie’s honor,¬† we’ve been making manhattans and raising our glasses to the superlative nature of the American Presidency. Such luminaries include:

America’s “Hottest President

I mean what lends itself to bodice ripping more than viticulture, horticulture, an appreciation for the rolling and verdant hills of Virginia, an apparently sensational libido, and a mane of sweet ginger locks. My type.

President Who Settles “Elvis v. Beatles” Debate

Vaguely neck and neck (if you were living through it) pretty much through Blue Hawaii, abruptly upswinging in Beatles’ favor with this handshake serving as harbinger of sad Las Vegas denoument. Alright, so regardless of what Mia Wallace says, Elvis v. Beatles isn’t the stuff of marrow, but still going from having a seatbelt on his bed to begging Tricky Dick if he can be “Federal Agent-at-Large” in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs is damning evidence.

“Bulliest President”

Teddy Roosevelt: Bully!

“Most Alliterative”

Runners up: Herbert Hoover, Woodrow Wilson, Ronald Reagan. Mr. Congeniality: W. Henry Harrison.

“Most Hamstrung By History”

Ahh, Thurgood Marshall, far reaching civil and economic reform, early agricultural and environmental protection and advancement, while having to enact half baked lionized policies of America’s Second Hottest President, war mongering turns the “great society” into our own “great leap forward“. Sigh. Lady Bird’s Hair slightly redemptive.

Though Mme. Palin may think that all the “hopey changey stuff” we pinned our dreams on for the recent past is a rallying cry for mediocrity, let’s lift our chalices to America’s Most Exciting President… forget “The New Deal”, this is the Fresh Deal.

“America’s Freshest President*”

*since FDR.

Tonight the Empire State Building is Red-White-and-Blue, and so is my heart. Cheers America, and all of your sons.

Published in: on February 15, 2010 at 11:31 pm  Leave a Comment